I Hate Hurricane Harbor

OK so this past weekend, my brother, sister, and I went to the Hurricane Harbor water park, WHICH, will NEVER happen again.

My sister won tickets from a radio giveaway at the mall on Friday, and the tickets OF COURSE expired on Saturday, so we went!

First of all, GETTING to the dang park is a trip in itself. The hour long drive in the hot, leather-seated car in 100 degree heat nearly killed me. Beads of sweat dripped down my pale-white face, and as we passed Louis Tussaud’s House of Wax I couldn’t help but think that all of the wax people HAD to have melted away by now. Then I had flashes of Paris Hilton in my head (because she was in the movie House of Wax) and for the rest of the day, I could hear her saying “That’s hot” like a really annoying song stuck in my head.

Anyway, we eventually got there and by the time we found a parking spot I decided that we basically could have just parked AT my house and walked to the park and would have been MUCH closer. Never-the-less, we eventually got to the gate and I realized that I had by then lost about 15 pounds in water weight (and I felt like having a snow cone really bad).

Now, I’ve never been a big fan of water parks for many reasons. One, NASTY people in very little clothing. And two, being in water that these NASTY people have done WHO KNOWS what in. But seriously, it’s basically like, if you see someone and you’re like, WOW they are really gross, and then you go take a bath with them (with swimsuits on you sick, sick people). SO I decided that I would refrain from entering the God-forsaken “Lazy River” and the wave pool. I would stick to the slides and what not.

I was having fun, my siblings and I did several slides that were pretty cool and had short lines. But then we got to the Der Stuka… Let me FIRST say that I had to wait in line for over THIRTY minutes, which was just WOW in itself. But I also had to wait behind a girl named “Essie” who kindly introduced herself when I stepped into the line. Essie was QUITE a character, she had at MOST four teeth and I would put money on the fact that being at the water park was the first time that she had had anything REMOTELY close to a bath. I got to hear all about her Uncle Earl and how her granny was “selling the farm.” I didn’t know that there were actually REAL people like this. I felt like I had been transported to an episode of the Beverly Hillbillies (and that's NOT a good thing...).

ANYWAY. On this ride, two people ride at the same time in separate slide tubes that twist around each other the whole way down. I had planned on going on it with my sister, but GUESS WHAT! It just so happened that the line evened out at me and Essie. I tried to let the people behind me cut in line but they all kindly replied "No thank you" and then giggled when I turned around, as if I wasn't still a FOOT in front of them. Dangit! So whatever, I went ahead and got into the end of the tube and just as I did, Essie screams: “Last one to the bottom is a rotten bull frog!” and as I'm trying to process the fact that she replaced rotten "egg" with rotten "bullfrog", Essie has PUSHED me down the tube. (I usually give myself time to prep for these sort of things but unfortunately, I had no prep time for this run.)

It was like a HORRIBLE nightmare. I closed my eyes in order to lessen the motion sickness, but all I could hear in my head was the hysterical witch-like cackle of Essie revolving around me as the tubes twisted in and out of each other. Downward and downward we went, until finally I opened my eyes and could see the light at the end of the tunnel (literally) and I knew I had nearly made it. Until *BUMP!* I felt like my head had run over like, a bolt or something and I quickly blacked out.

WHAT is happening?! From then on all I knew was that the lifeguards waiting at the bottom had drug me to the side so I didn’t get run over by the people following me down the tube. Now, if you’ve ever fainted, or lost your vision, you know how it is when you can see again. Weird, right? Well let me just say, the first thing I saw when I regained vision was ESSIE and her four teeth, THREE inches from my face yelling “Bubba! Is anybody in there?!” and knocking on my head like it was a barn door. So naturally, I did what anyone would do in that situation, vomited, EVERYWHERE. So much that they had to shut down the ride temporarily in order to sanitize the water again.

Everyone in line pointed at me and gave me horrible looks, some even threatening... It’s sad when the WEIRDO people at the water park are looking at you like you're crazy. That’s when you KNOW you’ve got problems. Obviously I didn’t stay any longer and quickly made a celebrity-like exit with a towel covering my face.

NOT my most proud moment and the experience as a whole was just not too enjoyable. I likely will never go back there again. I'll just stick to my slip and slide in the backyard here at home.

PS: Incase you were wondering, which I know you were, I had indeed hit a loose bolt when coming down the slide. Hurricane Harbor sent me a letter of apology and two complementary passes back to the park…


PSS: Does anyone need passes to Hurricane Harbor? I have two.