And the Award Goes To...

OH MY GOODNESS. So I just finished watching the VMA's that I had recorded last night... Was that a joke? Like, really, are the real ones gonna come on tonight and have like, ACTUAL music? I felt like I was taking part in an episode of Punk'd more than I was watching a music awards show. Hopefully Ashton will come on TV tonight to tell us that they were all just kidding.

Seriously though, let's just start from the beginning. Usher: WORST LIP SYNCHER EVER. It was SO completely obvious that none of those words were coming out of his mouth. And FYI MTV, when electrical equipment gets wet, it shocks the person holding it, so ya it was DEFINETELY not live when he's holding a mic in pouring rain... BUT anyway. Next we had Hoobastank who, HoobaSTUNK. They did teach me something though with their performance. Now I know that next time I'm singing on stage and just don't feel like hitting the high notes, I can simply aim the mic at the audience during various parts of the song and make them sing it! Ya, they were just BAD. Also throughout the night we had P. Diddy who officially LIVES on TV. Literally I haven't turned it on once where he hasn't been on. He has even been on OPRAH. That says a lot...

Oh, I love people that are just crazy. Like Fergie from Black Eyed Peas. After I saw her at the awards, I sent her a letter. It simply said, "Hey Fergie, you're white!" The girl is convinced that she is all ghetto, but no, no Fergie, you aren't. And then there's Lil John. Or rather, NOT so Lil John, even Lil Bow Wow gave up the "Lil" part of his name when he turned like, 14. I think if Karen Walker from Will & Grace was a real person, Lil John and her would be best friends. I believe he is REALLY the most drunk person in this world. Every screen shot of him had him holding some alcoholic beverage. However, it is obvious to me after hearing Lil John's screaming, I mean singing, in real life, he truly is a musical prodigy. Which leads me to my next point. Children, if you want to become a good singer, just scream out the notes, or you can just roll the notes a thousand times making each word you sing last about three minutes. Apparently the longer the rolling, the better you are, that's just something I've noticed.

Beyonce was there! Of course she was, right along with her boyfriend Mr. Jay Z. and her wig. You probably couldn't see, but her hair piece actually had a separate seat next to her for when she wasn't on camera. Seriously, her hair was bigger than Reba's ever was, and that says a LOT. Oh ya! Marc Anthony was also there! Wait, who IS Marc Anthony??? OHHH that's right, J. Lo's new husband. So there's another thing kids! If you want to be noticed by MTV, just marry J. Lo!

Another person who graced the screen was CHAKA KHAN. I've actually never seen her before except when she was on Hollywood Squares, but I love saying her name. She was on with Kanye West and his hip-hop gospel choir. That was just, WOW... Fat Joe also performed his hit LEAN BACK, although, I think out of the whole thing, I heard just the two words, "LEAN BACK" because the rest were all bleeped out. Then came Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. I was HOPING for them to perform a song from their hit "You're Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's School Dance Party" (It seriously couldn't have been any worse than the rest of the acts) but all they did was present. Jessica Simpson then flew down in a Glinda-type bubble that looked like it was equipped for a wedding. Then she proceeded to umm, not sing, not even scream, I guess I call it SQUEEZE out her song WITH YOU. You know that noise a balloon makes when you pull the two ends of the hole apart? It sounded like that. Then at the end for some reason she thought it would sound good to pretend she had just inhaled helium. Even though we did have to listen to Jessica, I will thank MTV for this: NOT MAKING US SIT THROUGH AN ASHLEE SIMPSON SONG. I mean, really.

Let's see, what else happened. Oh ya, WHY was Bruce Willis there? Don't you love it when celebrities randomly just show up. He was kinda like the Paris Hilton of the night, no one really knew why he was there, he just sat with P. Diddy the whole time and danced to the rap songs. I guess they're "homies". There was also some guy that got onto the stage in a giant hampster ball, and while this was happening, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to see Lil John in it. I bet that would be pretty funny. OK, and then at the end I REALLY thought this was a joke. Like, the Brady kids performed in these giant robes. I was confused. But honestly not surprised after what I had already seen...

I must say though that out of everything, Christina Aguilera did OK on her song, and Alicia Keys did really good on hers. So they were pretty good. Also, WOOHOO for Maroon 5 winning Best New Artist Video. OH, and also, I wanted to commend MTV for their choice of making Mandy Moore and Marilyn Manson presenting partners. They really had some chemistry flowing.

All in all, those awards were just sad. Although, the most disappointing thing of the night was the new Gap commercial. Here they are, building it up for weeks and weeks and it ended up being just kinda weird. I don't know, it just didn't get me like some of their other ones. My ALL TIME favorite of course being a couple of years ago at Christmas, the LOVE TRAIN commercial. That
was truly great.

So ya, I'm tired from writing all this and sitting through all three hours of those awards. Although, they started late so TiVo missed the last three minutes, which I'm actually very happy about cuz I was about ready to jump in a lake.

*MINI BONUS*
Here are ACTUAL lyrics from verse three of Fat Joe and the Terror Squad's "Lean Back":

Even Lil' Bow Wow throwin it up
B2K crip walkin like that's what's up!
Kay keep tellin me to speak about the Rucker
Matter of fact, I don't wanna speak about the Rucker
Not even Pee Wee Kirkland could imagine this
My *peeps* didn't have to play to win the championship, come on!

All words are the actual lyrics except for "peeps" which I had to change! Apparently Fat Joe has something against "the Rucker."
*END OF BONUS*