Action Figure!

In recent days I've been asked about what the Adam Rucker Action Figure would look like if it could have anything I wanted on it. I mean, I don't know, I haven't really thought of it that much, but here's some stuff just off the top of my head:

• My helmet would double as a chip bowl to hold tortilla chips. (The bottom of the bowl would also serve as a flour and corn tortilla warmer)
• I would also have some sort of armor suit, but nothing too form-fitting like Spiderman, that's a bit much for me.
• I would TOTALLY have Spiderman's webslingers though, I mean, being able to just swing around to anywhere you want is like, totally awesome. I would also like the benefits of being able to tie up people you don't like. (Maybe this is more what I'd lke in real life as I just realized it's not possible to use an action figure to swing around from building to building)
• It would also have an internal cell phone, you know, where all restaurants' phone numbers are pre-programed into it. This would be useful in quick to-go order runs and other important things like that.
• The action figure would also have a built-in Tivo. TiVo changed my life and we all know that. EVERYONE should have it, so I'm offering it with my action figure.
• It would also be a flashlight because honestly, we all need flashlights sometimes
• There would be a string in the back that played John Mayer, Coldplay, and Maroon 5 when pulled.

The action figure would be sold for the ever popular price of only $19.95 and come with a free set of SPACE BAGS (as seen on TV!) and a coupon for free chips and hot sauce. And if you think about that, getting a TiVo AND all of that for only $20 is a REALLY good deal. I would buy like, 30. You should totally get that as Christmas presents for all of your friends...