Action Figure!

In recent days I've been asked about what the Adam Rucker Action Figure would look like if it could have anything I wanted on it. I mean, I don't know, I haven't really thought of it that much, but here's some stuff just off the top of my head:

• My helmet would double as a chip bowl to hold tortilla chips. (The bottom of the bowl would also serve as a flour and corn tortilla warmer)
• I would also have some sort of armor suit, but nothing too form-fitting like Spiderman, that's a bit much for me.
• I would TOTALLY have Spiderman's webslingers though, I mean, being able to just swing around to anywhere you want is like, totally awesome. I would also like the benefits of being able to tie up people you don't like. (Maybe this is more what I'd lke in real life as I just realized it's not possible to use an action figure to swing around from building to building)
• It would also have an internal cell phone, you know, where all restaurants' phone numbers are pre-programed into it. This would be useful in quick to-go order runs and other important things like that.
• The action figure would also have a built-in Tivo. TiVo changed my life and we all know that. EVERYONE should have it, so I'm offering it with my action figure.
• It would also be a flashlight because honestly, we all need flashlights sometimes
• There would be a string in the back that played John Mayer, Coldplay, and Maroon 5 when pulled.

The action figure would be sold for the ever popular price of only $19.95 and come with a free set of SPACE BAGS (as seen on TV!) and a coupon for free chips and hot sauce. And if you think about that, getting a TiVo AND all of that for only $20 is a REALLY good deal. I would buy like, 30. You should totally get that as Christmas presents for all of your friends...

wow... WOW

OK yall, this blog was worth staying up late to write. I must just say, I Tivoed SNL tonight. I haven't watched the skits but I watched Ashlee Simpson "perform". Let me just set the scene for you. Host Jude Law says, "Ladies and gentlemen, ASHLEE SIMPSON!!!" The band begins playing Pieces of Me. On stage we see Ashlee hopping from side to side and then we hear, "On a Monday, I am waiting..." BUT WAIT... PICK UP THE PHONE AND HOLD IT! I forgot when mics picked up your voice when your mouth was closed and the mic wasn't anywhere near your head! Oh wait, that's right, they CAN'T work like that. She wasn't even holding the mic up. All of a sudden she's just looking around as if she's really confused. So what else does she do? START HOPPING AGAIN! WHY NOT?! Then we hear more cutting in and out of her vocals without her singing them until finally she just WALKS off the SNL stage and a picture of Jude Law is plastered on the screen until they can cut to commercial...

BRITNEY SPEARS at least MOVES her mouth when she doesn't sing. I mean seriously. I'm glad to be a successful singer in America you just need to have a computer sing a song and then hop up and down on the stage while they play it. Can anyone say MILLI VINILLI MUCH?! Poor poor Ashlee... I think that's enough to just lead to her ruin. Very Quickly. Hopefully...

I guess that's my problem. I think when I sing for people I'll just play a really good song and run around on the stage. That'll please the crowds.

It's Not Easy To Be Me

SO. I've been watching the series SMALLVILLE on DVD to trying and catch up on what can be considered a very popular teen drama. I'm actually pretty surprised that I hadn't seen it before because let's face it, I've seen EVERY TV show ever made...

But anyway, the whole Clark Kent/Superman thing is just very intriguing to me. It makes me wonder if I myself would like to be a superhero. I mean, let's face it, I already have the physique for it, I just need to be indestructable. I decided that if I were a superhero, it would be a mixture of qualities from the most popular superheros... I would have the strength of Superman, with the webslingers of Spiderman. You see, Superman can run fast and lift things and all that great stuff, but Spiderman, I mean, he can swing from buildings and like, tie up people. That's just awesome... Now thinking about it, I'd also like the Bat Mobile. Let's face it, everyone needs a good car, and I would totally be most popular when I pulled the Bat Mobile into the school parking lot... I wouldn't want that nasty bat thing shining in the sky when they needed me though, they'd have to text message me or just get like, a picture of chips and hot sauce to shine in the sky to signal me.

I could totally handle being a superhero. I wonder what my name would be... I'm thinking something to do with TV Boy or Foodman. I'm open to all suggestions.

Along the lines of the whole superhero theme, the new Pixar movie coming out is called THE INCREDIBLES. It BETTER be good. I mean, Nemo was AMAZING and so was the Toy Story series, so I can only hope that this one will be really good too. But ya, I'm still a little confused as to what it's all about. I'm just hoping it's not like those cheesy Disney Channel Original Movies about superhero families... Those are pretty lame.

PS: Jack and Bobby is another goooooood WB show.

*MINI BONUS*
Seriously yall, riding in a car with one of your parents (the specific parent that this story is about shall remain confidential) when they blatantly run a red light IN FRONT of a police officer, MIGHT be THE funniest thing EVER... However, it only remains funny if you don't get pulled over. Thank goodness we didn't.

Looks like we got lucky mom! Wait, whoops... I think I said too much.
*END OF BONUS*

SURPRISE SURPRISE / Liger Lover

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am now PROUD to announce the NEW location of Rucker Blog!!! You can now reach the blog anytime you want by going to www.bestblogever.com

That's right, new location, same GREAT blog! WOOHOO!!!
PS: You can also go to www.ruckerblog.com for the same thing. YESSSSSSSSS

And now the Second part of today's Double Issue:

You might have gotten to see me today, I was the nerdy one walking down the hall with an "I LOVE LIGERS" t-shirt (Ligers are Napoleon's favorite animal in Napoleon Dynamite if you're one of the 2 people in this world that hasn't seen that movie). I must say it was wonderful going back to my roots for a whole day at school for Nerd Out Naaman Day. I mean I had the whole thing going, my hair was parted at one side and slicked over (complete with an Alfalfa-inspired clump of hair sticking up in the back). I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Especially when people had NO idea it was me and then after about 5 seconds they would realize who it was and then die laughing. Shortly after the laugh they would have this confused look on their face as if they had no idea that today was nerd day which then made me feel REALLY stupid. I was actually pretty worried that my friend that told me it was nerd day was just playing a REALLY mean joke on me. I mean, I didn't want to get to school and be the ONLY one dressed nerdy, but then again, that wouldn't be very out of the ordinary...

Several of my friends enjoyed my hair because that's how I wore it from 1st-7th grade. I mean, YES FOLKS, I'm truly a nerd at heart. I also had the really high jeans and Napoleon snow boots thanks to a very courteous friend that lent them to me. The snow boots were size 9 and I'm definetely a size 13, but the toe-crampage was TOTALLY worth it. Yes yes, all I was missing was a fannypack (which I dearly regretted when I realized that I had forgotten to wear one). And to complete the transformation, I had the staple of the nerd, masking-taped glasses. I must say it was a truly FREAKIN AWESOME day being that big of a nerd, but definetely the second I walked out of the school my shirt came untucked, the glasses came off, my hair became messed up again, and the snow boots came STRAIGHT off.

BTW, to all of the people that walked by me as if they didn't notice my unique attire and then waited till they were about 3 feet past me to laugh: This was your one day TO laugh right in my face... guess you missed your chance!

Hit Me Baby One More Time

Thanks to all you faithful readers out there (or 10 of you that repeatedly click your refresh button to see how high you can get on the counter) my blog has officially reached 1,000 hits and CLIMBING!!! Woohoo. So I thought, what better way to celebrate than reminisce about the past. I now present the Best of Ruckerblog...

Death of a Salesman:
"If they want to be all buddy buddy with me then they need to give me their employee discount and they're free to act like my friend (just so long as they don't actually try and talk to me). "

Shaping the Way We Live:
"And Freed's Furniture. I'm sorry, but no one goes to Freed's. It's that old ugly brown box building off of the highway. And if you notice in the commercials, it is the SAME lady that walks through the building every time which obviously means she wasn't satisfied with what she had bought before or it just fell apart on delivery."

The Simple Life:
"I can't say that I enjoy canoe-type boats as much as motor boats and jet skis because it's obvious, canoes take some sort of effort. Not that I don't like to expend energy, but these days energy is so scarce that it might not be in our best interest to waste it on simply rowing across a lake when you could easily have a motor do it."

Goo Gone is MY LIFE:
"Such phrases as "Tivo Stinks" and "Tivo Sucks" were written on my car at the SAME TIME. Then today I pleasantly woke up to find "Go back to Mexico. Arriba!" on my car... Anyway, forget the fact that this is completely bizarre, after this I discovered the wonder of Goo Gone. I had used Goo Gone before to get duct tape residue off of my car and was very satisfied, however I had no idea that it would also work wonders on shoe polish. I spent about 20 minutes scrubbing with water and soap to get the writing off, however that did not work. So I found my Goo Gone, gave it a spray on the window, and literally, the polish came off with the gentle wipe of a rag. I am very pleased with Goo Gone, and you will be too. GO BUY SOME!!!"

Gettin DIRRTY!!!:
"We must have spent 10 minutes discussing the differences between mulch, top soil, and compost. Incase you don't know what each of these is: mulch is a combination of bark substances or wood chips that create a nice visual effect on the top of a garden, top soil is just plain dirt, and compost basically a pile of trash that after weeks and weeks of rotting becomes good soil that you can plant from. However it was decided that although a compost pile may produce desirable soil, the smell from it may negate the positives about it."

Shark Attack!:
"Surely enough, the DEAD snake with NO HEAD starts pulling up it's headless neck at us! I'm pretty sure I just screamed really loud when this happened. Then I realized that a dead, headless snake can do NOTHING to harm you. So we got back to the cabin just fine. I mean really though, how embarrassing would that be to say that you got bit by a snake with no head."

Mean Girls:
"Toward the end of the meal, we see this man staring at us through the glass partition by the door. Just, staring. Then, he proceeded to press his face against the glass like a 4 year old child (this caused some kids at the table to laugh, which unfortunately only encouraged him more). This man wouldn't stop, he then started to lick the window with his face was against it as we were waiving our silverware at him to scare him away. All of this is finally stopped as a woman walks up and goes, "ALFREDO! What are you doing?!" It reminded me of the Full House episode where DJ brings home an old guy from the nursing home without signing him out and then he ends up judging the neighborhoods dog competition where first prize wins a Pooper Scooper..."

What is the WORLD Coming To?!:
"But seriously, here we have this woman who's never done anything wrong but help you waste money on Taiwanese-made goods from K-Mart, and she's going to JAIL! I can not IMAGINE what it will be like for her. I mean seriously, SERIOUSLY. She has so many decisions to make before she gets there. I mean, what count linens should she bring? What colors would best accent the features of her room, I mean, cell. I can't help but imagine all of the grief she will go through every day, they'll probably all make her do their laundry. Heck, I would if Martha moved in next to me. I'd have her cookin, cleanin, and making lots of those sculptures out of watermelons. "

Come back tomorrow for a FREAKIN AWESOME suprise that I will be announcing!!! WOOHOO!

SAY CHEESE!

OK honestly, one of the scariest moments in life is taking school pictures. Don't laugh, you TOTALLY know it is. I mean first of all, almost every time I've had a school picture taken, I had NO idea that it was gonna be on that day. SO of course, I get my pictures back and I'm like, wearing a choir t-shirt and my hair looks like I just exploded something toxic on it in chemistry. And second of all, for that few seconds, the entire world (or library at least) is watching you as you break a smile.

So anyway, let me get to the main story. Today I'm taking my senior picture for the yearbook. I already look like an idiot with half of a tux shirt on and a size 50 jacket drowning me. I go sit in the first of TWO areas to take pictures in and the lady fiddles with my jacket for about 2 minutes until finally she backs away and begins to take the picture. OK, everything's fine right? We spend the next 3 minutes moving my legs from side to side so they will be JUST SO for the picture, I mean, it was one of those swively chairs so I was just spinning in circles (which I think was beginning to make her mad). Anyway, so once you're angled right, you still have to get your head correct. So she makes me look right, angle my head up to the left, and turn my eyes into the camera... TRY DOING THAT, it's NOT natural. So I'm sure in my picture I have this like, really awkward look on my face mixed in with a little bit of pain-face because my neck was like, twisted around. WHEW, so one picture down, 4 more to go.

So I go to the next station for my picture. The first one was really easy, I just looked straight at the camera and smiled. The next three were a complete nightmare. You can ask pretty much ANYONE in the school because it felt like there were about 200 people watching me (there really were). So like, I was supposed to look serious in these pictures... ME, SERIOUS? RIIIIGHT... SO like, I'm sitting there with everyone watching me, trying to look angry I guess. I'm not really sure what "serious" means, I took it on the angry end of the definition rather than the seriously-considering-an-idea end. (I always smile in pictures because I don't know, I guess I don't think i'm "cool" enough to do the "cool guy" angry look) So anyway, I'm kinda frowning, waiting for him to take the picture until finally I like, break a smirk and the camera guy snaps at me and tells me not to smile. So I try again, and this time I just break out laughing. So I think I'm actually laughing in all the pictures because the guy was getting tired of waiting on me.

All in all it took me like, 15 minutes to take pictures that should have taken 2 minutes. And believe me, it was a very LONG 15 minutes. At least I seemed to entertain everyone in there. But anyway, that's just me! The FREAK Show!!!

Whitey McWhite

OK so I've come to the conclusion that I just might be THE whitest person on earth (both in skin tone and behavior). Case and point: last night I'm leaving Ladder 49 (gooooooood movie by the way) and see a poster of Kenan Thompson for his new movie and proceed to go "HEEEY HEEEY HEEEY!"... Mistake number 1. Then I'm asked, "What is that from?" To which I answer, "BIG LARRY!!!"... Mistake number 2. Now, I've done some stupid things in my days, but the fact that I turned FAT ALBERT into BIG LARRY is just WOW... WOW. We all then proceeded to laugh like hyenas in front of everyone.

Anyway, so after the movie, we're all going back to my car and see this picture of like a 10 year old hispanic boy who's trying to look major gangsta, but not pulling it off. We then took the picture out of the rainy water, and named him BIG LARRY. You can see Big Larry's picture any time at my car, just ask the dummy, Charles, who sits in the back seat and he'll be glad to help you. If you haven't met Chaz, he's a pretty cool guy. Some would say he's kinda standoffish but that's really just because he is unable to move his neck, and well, he's an INANIMATE object...
(PS: if anyone has any dummy arms lying around Charlie would love to try them on to see if they fit.)

If you need any more reason as to why I'm the whitest ever, just watch me play Dance Dance Revolution sometime (PS, BEST GAME EVER) and you'll totally understand. Seriously yall, my legs flail about as if independent from my body. And also the way I'm move my arms make it seem like I'm doing the chicken dance, but I'm totally not... Wow. I've said WAY too much.

*Poll*
Is it bad for me to want to see Soul Plane???

I'm Only Happy When It Rains

OK so not to sound depressed or like a dark soul or anything, but I LOVE it when it rains. We have these big sky lights in our sunroom that make this really loud rain noise when it starts to rain and when I hear it I like run outside and play in the rain... OK, that's kinda creepy cuz I don't actually PLAY in the rain, as much as I look at it... But I really do love the rain, I guess it's like, relaxing or something. (BTW, I have the DVD of Singing in the Rain, and I have yet to watch it, but I hear it's good...)

When I was like, 10 though, I had a different room than where I am now that also had a huge skylight in it. I loved it because I finally had my own room away from my brother and he could also have his own room. But I wasn't prepared for what was to come. The first few weeks of sleeping in there were just fine and dandy, until one night I had this REALLY weird dream. All of a sudden in my dream all of these nails and bolts and stuff start falling on my head and it REALLY hurts and starts to give me a bad head ache. I had several questions: 1. WHY was I at The Home Depot??? 2. WHY were things crashing onto my head??? 3. Would I have to pay for the damaged supplies??? Then I woke up and realized that it was the sound of the rain and apparently softball-sized hail hitting my skylight and it quickly drove me to insanity. I went through this torture for like 3 more rainy days until I was back to my old room begging my brother to take me back. Thankfully, since I am the baby of the family and get pretty much what I want, my brother didn't really have a choice.

Also when I was younger and it rained a lot, I'd make these wooden boats and sail them down my alley. I later realized that those "wooden boats" that I made were really just pieces of 2/4's that my dad had cut up for me. I really didn't make anything because honestly, I don't have enough patience to make an ACTUAL boat. But never-the-less, I considered them boats...

The last subject I would like to address is Weather People. WHAT IS THEIR PURPOSE? Did you realize that Troy Dungan is NOT a meteorologist? I mean, over the years I'm sure he's developed some weather-sense, but still WHO is he to say he knows when it's gonna rain??? My Aunt Jemima would be just as good at predicting the weather as he is. I also love how the predictions have gotten to where it's ALWAYS a 20% chance of rain with partly cloudy skies. And then on the 5 day forecast, they change up the wording from "Partly Cloudy" to "Mostly Sunny" as if that's ANY different. The only time the weatherpeople shine is when it's ALREADY raining and they're like, "It looks like it's raining in Dallas," or any time when they are able to work in the phrase, "It looks like El Nino!" THANKS A BUNCH GUYS! Way to serve the people!

*MINI BONUS*
I HATE rude waiters. I mean seriously, I was at Hula Hut in Austin this weekend and asked for no sour cream on my burrito. Instead of just saying OK the waiter was like, "What are you like, allergic to it?!" I was just like, OH NO YOU DIIN'T. My actual words were, "No, I just don't like sour cream..." So I DEFINETELY get my burrito later WITH sour cream. AHH... Then when I finished my nasty sour cream filled burrito, he was like, ARE YOU DONE? So I nodded and he goes ARE YOU DONE?! OH. NO. YOU. DIIN'T. I just looked straight in his eyes and go, "YES" (and angrily I might add.) He was rude to me the WHOLE dinner but not rude to anyone else, and it was so obvious cuz everyone else at the table was like, WOAH HE DON'T LIKE YOU. The bad part about all of this is that it was a large party so tip was already included, leaving me the customer POWERLESS against bad service. I did however have enough time to set a voodoo curse on the table I was sitting at that will haunt him for the rest of his life... hehe
*END OF BONUS*